She Says, He Thinks

“We need to talk”.

I’ve certainly approached more than a few relationship dilemmas that way. As a woman, I am biologically wired to talk (and write) through my feelings. Society and conditioning have taught us women that talking things through is the best way to bring about any love-related change we crave.

Women have a strong desire to be connected to a man that wants to hear and truly understand everything she has to say. And I do mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g that passes from her brain to her lips.

The men in my world are biologically wired to think about their thoughts – silently. They have a need to be given the space to act upon their thoughts when they determine the time is right.

Men have a strong desire to be connected to a woman who confidently grants him the space to please her. Without question. Without too much discussion.

Men and women naturally compliment each other. Our species would be extinct without these vital differences in our characters, yet we continually allow our differences to divide instead of harmoniously unite.

Of course, there are women who prefer reflection and men who insist on talking things through. And I acknowledge and respect the fact that some of your partners are the same gender as you. So, I’m writing in general terms, from my experience. We are all unique combinations of varying degrees of different traits.

She Says, He Thinks

So, while we women are going on about what we see, hear and smell… and how that relates to our sensibilities, our current fears and future hopes…; our men have already come to a set of conclusions and already know what they want – which has a great deal to do with what their woman wants. If they don’t know what they want, they think about it – silently.

In regard to their partners, Men want to know what’s satisfying, what’s working and what would be even better; then they want the opportunity to deliver with little or no talking about how, when and where.

The classically feminine inclination to express her thoughts in multiple streams often interrupts a man’s natural process of thought. When a woman says, “We need to talk…” all the reasons he doesn’t want to talk skew his perceptions as he prepares for what he has decided will be an unpleasant conversation.

Sadly, the truths of her intentions are often missed by him in the dialogue that follows, “We need to talk”. If he misses her message, his efforts to provide for and cater to his beloved will be a bit off mark and she’ll attempt to explain that to him, in detail at some point in the future… And so they go again.  It’ll feel like she’s going on about what’s not quite right and he’ll interpret her words as reminders of how he’s failed to satisfy her when she’s really trying to share where she is at that moment.

When she’s going on about what’s not quite right, he’s hearing all the ways he’s failed her.

When he shuts down in the midst of his her expression, she’s seeing all the ways she’s not enough for him, not important to him and not loved by him.

A peaceful, fulfilling state for both lies somewhere in between.

Listen, Man:

Her saying “We need to talk.”, means you’re honored and first in your woman’s world (or she wants you to be). She’s making a sincere effort to understand you, to ensure you understand her and to put into balance whatever is off whack. Yeah, I can hear you blaming her seemingly never-ending need for communication for what’s out of balance.

She is not like you. She is not a man.  Her brain operates differently. She is a woman, man.

Meet her in the middle.

• Initiate a conversation at least once a day that gives her the space to express a bit of her heart and Soul. Just ten minutes will do (a few more would be better).
• Look into her eyes.
• Listen to her without providing solutions (unless she asks).
• Make a sincere effort to understand her.
• Don’t wrap your ego around her desires, her expression is not about your worth. If she wants something you’re not providing, provide it. If you can’t, respectfully explain your reasons.
• Put her before all others – including your Mama, your work and your kids. A few moments and a hug or a foot rub – whatever speaks to her. Put her first.

Her verbalizing her thoughts is showing her faith in your ability to respond to and deliver her desires. Listen, understand and deliver. She’ll respect you for this.

Girl, let me tell you…

You can be certain of your man’s love when he shuts down in the midst of your concentrated expressions. He considers confrontation disrespectful and he doesn’t want to dishonor you. This may sound foreign, even weird to you – it should. Your man is not you. The testosterone in his body makes his brain operate differently than yours. He is not like you. He is different. He is not a woman.

He will tolerate your declarations of what he hasn’t done or needs to improve upon, to a point. Criticizing your man inspires feelings of disregard, shame and disrespect – not motivators for loving on, or listening to you.

Yeah, I know you only become critical when he doesn’t care to consider your needs. There are things you can do to get more of your needs met.

Meet him in the middle.

• Express what you appreciate about him daily. Tell the truth – there’s no need to make things up. Just honestly express the reasons you’ve picked him.
• Let him know the reasons your faith in him is solid enough for you to lay your heart in his hands.
• Acknowledge his accomplishments and support his dreams.
• Don’t talk all the time. Frequently sit next to him and take life in by his side – without talking. Let him feel you without having to think through what you’re saying and feeling and thinking and what your girlfriend says she thinks… Just let him be, with You.

The Two Energies Become A Force

He’s listening and understanding her perspectives. He’s seeing her desire to BE with him. She’s focused more on what is righteous and good about him. She’s giving him space to satisfy her.

“We need to talk.” takes on a positive connotation where she’s thinking – he wants to hear what I’m feeling, and he’s thinking (with the puffy chest) – she’s about to tell me I’m the man. They’re each naturally responding in a way that meets the others needs and desires. Ahhhh, the joys that come when men grant women the space to be women and women support men being men.

Notice the emphasis on giving rather than receiving? I believe this is what nature intended. Lovely.